Sunday, August 31, 2008

Blogiveness

Ok this is definately a work in progress. There are so many things that I need to help myself get through that I can’t pick them out one at a time. They all want to come out in one blob of congestion. I have to tell them that they will get there chance to be seen and forgived. I have to pull each one of them out by the teeth kicking and screaming one at a time. So this may take a while.

I notice now that I look at my self honestly I have so much fear, fear of all kinds of things and here I was when I started this process that I was one of the lucky few who did not fear that much. In reality it was my mind telling me that I did not have that much fear because it still wants me to be a part of the system.

I forgive myself for letting my mind mask who I am, so that I can not see all the things I am accepting and allowing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my mind to take control and suppress me as much as it has.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my mind spring a trap on me, making me think that I had no fears.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel excitement about posting my blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have an honest starting point by not looking into myself and trying to see what I have let myself become.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I was doing myself good and that I was participating in my process when really I was participating in a deluded form of it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my mind to dupe meI forgive myself for accepting and allowing my mind to tell me what is good for me.

I fear people in general; I think it’s more the fact that I fear seeing in them a part of myself that I did not want to see.

I fear meeting new people because I fear that when I step outside my comfort zone that these people’s actions/ feelings might make me see myself more clearly.I fear social scenarios like parties, meeting, gatherings, and pretty much any scenario where I meet new people. This fear is present because in those people I see things of myself that my mind did not want me to realize so in turn it created a fear point. That way it could avoid those exact events that could help me break free.

I am afraid that people might not accept me so I hide, but really the me that I was projecting was not me at all, merely a mind projection of me based on pictures of things that I gathered throughout my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my mind tell me to fear people, trying to hide the fact that I might see a part of myself in them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a fear of meeting new peopleI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my mind trick me into the fear of meeting new people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay in my comfort zone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for letting my mind create a “Fear Point” about meeting new people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide.I fear letting go of the mind projected view of myself, thinking that that there would be nothing left if I did.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the mind projected version of me was actually who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think of myself as a mind projection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing to let go of the mind projected view of self

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the mind projected version of self is all that exists.

I guess it’s also safe to say that I fear the unknown. The unknown being a fear of myself, that I am just now acquainting myself too, and the realization of what I have accepted and allowed myself to become.

It’s funny that my mind has put up a wall trying to prevent me from seeing what is actually going on inside to the point that I have trouble realizing myself.I find myself getting angry at what I have accepted and allowed within myself. I forgive myself for letting myself experience the “feeling” of anger. Instead realize all the points that I have accepted and allowed within myself and apply self forgiveness. Is anger in this instance a defense mechanism for the mind???

I find myself still trapped in what I present to people.

I fear what other people think of me. I fear what I think of myself. I fear what other people might think about me loosing my hair. I fear it so much that I actually thought of leaving it out of this whole thing, but if I did that I would not be being totally honest with myself.

I now realize that fidgeting, leg movement’s disorders are mind manifested distractions made by the mind to keep you from realizing self. “As I sit here bouncing my leg” The emphasis on stillness is of the utmost importance otherwise if I was not able to obtain some kind of stillness I could not access this kind of stuff, because it is hidden from plain sight. And people wonder why they get sick. Everything they truly are is suppressed and that’s why it manifests in the physical form of ailments.

I am also caught in a battle between what I know I should be doing and what my mind wants me to do. My mind tells me to go distract myself on my computer game/TV or whatever is the device of your choosing. And internally I know I should be focusing on realizing the truth about myself.

I fear what my friends might think of me and my choice to participate in my own process. That is what prevents me from being an honest expression of self when I am around them. This fear is so strong that I fear loosing the friendship that was created because of my choice to not partake in events that they still partake in, thus making us grow apart because we no longer share the same perceptions, ideas thoughts and feelings that tie us to each other through a mind consciousness system. If that means that we grow apart then we grow apart I need to do this for me and only me. Don’ let the friendship that I had based on things that aren’t even really who and what I am effect me. If it all works out we could share a friendship when I figure myself out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that I exist inside of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be covered up by mind projected views of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how powerful a tool self forgiveness really is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear “the unknown,” the unknown being myself that I fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my mind put up a wall so that I can’t see all that I have accepted and allowed myself to become.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go this long without doing this.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the emotion of anger in regards to what I have accepted and allowed within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist inside of a mind projected view of self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present a false image of self to others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself to the point that I am concerned what others might think of my true self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what others think of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry what others might think of me loosing my hair.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my mind tell me that I need to distract myself from myself in any way shape or form.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what my friends might think of me in my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my friends to get used to a false projection of self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing what my friends might think of my real self, thus forcing my mind to project a false sense of self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear loosing my friends, or at least the friendship that I had known that had been based on who they thought I was.

I forgive myself accepting and allowing my friends projection of who they thought I was affect my process.

I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR ACCETPING AND ALLOWING MYSELF TO WORRY ABOUT PENIS SIZE.GUYS THIS SHOULD BE ON ALL OF YOUR SELF FORGIVENESSES, YOU CAN’T TELL ME YOU HAVE NOT THOUGHT ABOUT IT AND IF YOU THOUGHT ABOUT IT YOU SHOULD FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR IT.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have an honest starting point by not looking into myself and trying to see what I have let myself become.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I was doing myself good and that I was participating in my process when really I was participating in a deluded form of it.

I can’t begin to tell you guys how good that felt to get it out. OH MY GOD. This is my first big step towards realizing who I am. I can’t believe it took this long.
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